shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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