i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
