i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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