i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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