Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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