My sheets look like a crime scene.
Duck Duck Cougar?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
