You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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