If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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