i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
