Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
