im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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