I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
