I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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