I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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