He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize