oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
