I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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