I faked an abortion last night.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
