I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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