If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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