I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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