So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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