Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
