Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
