there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize