just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Houston, we have a squirter
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
