how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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