This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
