I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
