Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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