sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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