I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
