I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
