I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
