if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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