Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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