i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
