I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
ttyl tear gas
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
