How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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