I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
