Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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