Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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