He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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