I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
third nipple confirmed
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
