she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
