Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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