he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
