It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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