i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
