I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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