You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
