He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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