Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
