Swine flu. Run for my life!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize