Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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