Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
