Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
