Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize