I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
