note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
