I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I will pee on everything he values.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
