i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize