Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
