I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
