I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize